And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
