i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Nobody cheats on THIS.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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