I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
