I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
