Umm I'm too high to move.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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