I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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