My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
