Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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