Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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