I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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