so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she pinky promised me she was 18
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
