Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
ok first of all what the fuck
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
