Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
