I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
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Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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