she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
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Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
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This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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