Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
