You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
