matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize
