she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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