I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
