I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
