I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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