the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Randomize
