in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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