so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
