do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
