just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
