i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
