So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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