You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
