What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
