Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
