Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
At least life still wants to fuck me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
