His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
