i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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