I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
