so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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