were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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