what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
