The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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