I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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