call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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