I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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