im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
