It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize