He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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