I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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