I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
