If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
