I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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