Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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