I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
