Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
