my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
