I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
