i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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