Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The best revenge is premature balding
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
