I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
