I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
