sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
