i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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