I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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